Pregnancy is a whole new world for me. I am experiencing so many firsts that I didn’t experience the first time around through adoption. On top of that, we will be entering a whole new world by becoming parents to a baby for the first time. We did things a little differently than most by diving straight into the toddler years when we became first time parents to Bella at 18 months old. It had it’s challenges, but it also was all we knew so in a way it was just normal.
When people find out I’m pregnant (who don’t know our story) they usually ask, “Is this your first?” and I don’t quite know how to answer. I mean on the one hand, No, this is not my first child. But on the other, yes, this is my first baby and my first pregnancy. It’s a weird tension that has brought up a lot of feelings for me.
As I begin to experience the firsts of having life growing inside me and dream ahead of what it will be like to hold our baby, I can’t help but grieve the fact that I didn’t get to experience that with Bella. As I think ahead to the early days and months that I will have with this baby, I am reminded of the days I missed out on with my sweet daughter. While preparing for baby, Bella’s curious mind is full of questions and at times asks me what she was like as a baby. As her mom, my heart aches that I can’t provide those answers for her firsthand. It makes me sad to think that I missed out on so many firsts: her first breath, her first tooth, her first steps, her first words. When I am at my weakest, Satan attacks where he knows it’ll hurt. “Look at all you missed out on. You’ll never get those days back.” and the worst yet, “Because you missed those, she’ll never truly see you as her “real” mom”. Then of course, there’s the lies that I won’t be good enough, prepared enough or well-suited to be a mom to this little baby since it will be completely new to me.
Gosh, he’s evil, right? I know all of those things are lies, but he is cunning in the way he attacks us. That is why it is SO important that I be armed with truth when the lies do come. I know that God is Sovereign and that he chose to make me Bella’s mom on the exact day He intended. There is not a day in her life that I missed that is not covered with His grace and His timing. I know that He chose to make us a family in a unique way to proclaim His goodness all the more. Those early days in Bella’s life were lovingly scripted so that her family could be extended beyond just Joe and I, but to include the love of her precious birth family as well.
Father God, cover my heart and my family as you continue to script your story through us. Prepare each of us as we begin yet another unique journey towards a second child/first baby. As feelings of lies, deceit and attack come upon me, Joe or Bella, remind us of your truth. YOU scripted our story and YOU are good, therefore our story is good. Free me from guilt or feelings of “not good enough” for what that’s really saying is that I don’t believe your way was good enough. Remind me that your will is PERFECT, lacking in nothing. I do not need to be brought down by any lies of the attacker because You alone have power and claim over my life and my family. Amen!
Friends, thanks for always allowing me to be vulnerable and real with you. I appreciate your prayers and constant encouragement throughout our journey. Much love!
Photo credit: Kelsey Daffern Photography