When we got pregnant with Clover back in 2015, it came as a total shock. After seven years of unexplained infertility, I had come to terms with the fact that pregnancy was not going to be a part of our story. But as God does, He shook things up and made the impossible possible! Still, we wondered if that would be our one and only biological child. Then, when we were least expecting it, I got a positive pregnancy test when Clover was just over a year old. We certainly were not planning on having our babes that close together but we were rejoicing in God’s miraculous gift. For one week, we got to live in the excitement that comes from learning another life will be joining our family. We shared the news with family, dreamt of names and thought of what life would be come January 28th, 2018. And just like that, we lost the baby. In all my years of dealing with infertility, I had never had to experience a miscarriage before. It was devastating. It didn’t matter that we had only known about the baby for one week. The loss was real and raw and life-changing.
Over the next few months, God did a great healing on my heart but my body took time to catch up. I didn’t feel like myself. I struggled to loose weight and was extremely emotional; daily reminders that the loss was still affecting me. But we were given the green light to start “trying again” in September 2017 and we were hopeful God would grow our family.
The “trying” mindset is a strange place to be, especially when you’ve experience prolonged infertility before. There is hope mixed with doubt with the latter growing bigger with each passing month.
July of this year came and I was strangely hopeful, though we’d been trying unsuccessfully for almost 10 months. I had this beautiful moment during my prayer/meditation time where I saw a vision of Jesus with his hands on my womb healing whatever was standing in the way of me conceiving a child. I came out of that meditation feeling so tangibly hopeful in the healing power of my Savior. I was so sure it would be THE month. When my period date came and went, I was doubly sure. Then two days later, it came and I was crushed. If that wasn’t the month, I wasn’t sure there would be. Little did I know, God wasn’t done working…