I envisioned the day I became a mom to be the best day of my life, but those 24 hours and the days to follow were filled with far more than I could carry.

I remember walking through the aisles of Target frantically trying to find a car phone charger. My phone had been ringing off the hook with calls from Julie, from our attorney in Oregon, from Bella’s birth family and my own family calling to congratulate us and figure out what the heck was going on and now the phone was dead. To be honest, it was a welcome relief in the sea of noise and responsibility that I swam in. I stood in the electronics section staring blankly at the racks of phone accessories wishing so badly that I could just disappear there. The weight was just too much. There were too many people counting on me and I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t bear to make another decision, not even which iPhone charger to choose. It wasn’t fair. Why did it have to be so difficult, God? Why couldn’t you just make this easier on us? Can’t you see I’m at the end of my rope?! Now you’re asking me to make the decision to leave my brand new daughter to go be with my potential son?! 

Since we couldn’t take Bella across state lines until we cleared ICPC (the entity that handles interstate adoptions), our only option would be for me to go to Oregon alone. I would have to leave the family God had just formed and the very thought shook me to my core. On the other hand, this could be our son and I wanted to be there for him. Ohh how we agonized over what to do. Neither decision seemed right and yet both did. I didn’t know what to do. I had my attorney in my ear telling me to hop on the next flight out to Oregon if I wanted this to happen. I had Julie being vague about whether she wanted me to do that or not. I had my own reservations about what would happen if I did go out there with all the uncertainty about what she whether she was being honest with us. And I had my new little girl, who I could hold in my arms and I didn’t want to leave for a second, let alone days or weeks.

Ultimately, Julie decided that she wanted to go at the labor alone and that we would go from there. So I did my best to be fully present in Vegas with my new little family rejoicing in the goodness amidst the tornado that swirled around me. That night, I received a picture of the cutest little boy. Baby B had been born and he was heading to the NICU…