I still don’t know what actually happened with Julie, the baby, or that whole chapter of our adoption story. After a number of months she did admit to lying to us throughout the process, but avoided sharing specifics. For about a year, we had random moments of communication from Julie through FB messages and texts. The last time we talked was about a year ago, in July 2014. At that point, the story according to her was that her son was a year old, that she was still considering adoption and that she wished that we could have been his parents. I’ll be honest, I considered trying to adopt him again for a hot minute, but then all the memories of why it didn’t work out in the first place came flooding back.

Joe and I each have our own versions of what we think actually happened. One of the hardest things for me was not really knowing. I felt like I didn’t have closure. Like a piece of our story was missing. Then God showed me that that’s not the point. We don’t need answers to have peace and we certainly don’t need answers to have faith. At the end of the day, what I know to be true is that my God is Sovereign and that He works all things together for those who are called according to his purpose. I don’t need to know what really happened to know that God ordained and covered each of my days with his exquisite love. More knowledge was not what I needed, rather more trust in a God that uses unlikely circumstances to show Himself. Look at how He choose to redeem the world. It wasn’t through a conquering king or a wealthy leader, but a baby from a no-where town that spent his time with the unlikely crowd and was ultimately killed on a cross. But God didn’t stop there. He doesn’t ever stop at the mess. He uses the brokenness as an opportunity to restore and redeem. It’s what He did when He raised Jesus from the dead. It’s what He did by giving us our Bella in the midst of brokenness. It’s what He does for His people throughout their lives. And one day, He will come to fully restore, fully redeem and bring us back to our Garden-state lives that He created us to have.

Until then, let us remember all the ways that God has been working through the mess, the prettiness and the mudane moments of our lives by looking in our own rearview mirror from time to time.

Thanks for allowing me to share our story for His glory. Until next time…

Freedom and Wholeness in Him,

Stacy Kokes